I care so much! I care what people think, I care how people feel about me, I care how people see me, I care what people expect from me, and usually the last thing I care about is what I think about me. I definitely need the courage and a firm belief of who I am that will carry me through life. I know I need to care more about being the me that I am and not just the me that I want people to see.
When did this start I ask myself? What is with this thought process that I will be sad, uncomfortable and get to the point of being miserable because I am afraid of what others will think? When did I stop caring about me, what I feel and what I think? Why am I always so concerned about others…while I sit here just wishing for more, but not able to take that step because of fear?
I want to think that I am not that afraid…that others don’t have that much control over me…but sadly I have realized they do…because I have allowed them to. Not that they know it because how could they, I just don’t want to make waves and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I am not one of the kinds of people that need to be seen…let me be in the background and I am fine.
I say that…knowing that when someone starts to question the norm, makes any changes, show you think differently, go outside the box, be vocal, do something everyone else would say is wrong, or just be different…it make noise and people notice….people that never noticed you before are all the sudden the ones watching your every step. Eyes are on you to see what you will do…or at least that’s how it feels.
In the last few months I have seen holes, snags and discoloration the very fabric that is me and what I believe, what I think, why I think it, why I believe it, what I see as right, what I see as wrong, what I see as a black and white area and what I see as a very gray area…I am questioning everything. Not in a I am starting from scratch “everything I beleive is wrong” way, but in a way that is good. A way that I will know and find what I believe and why. I don’t just want to follow along blindly! I want to be able to stand strong and know that I believe it to my core…that this is SHASTA and who she is! There are things that just don’t feel right to me. Some things are just being questioned with a why…do I do them because I have always done them? Some things are being questions because I have always beleived them and I want to know my reason. Not that I am saying I don’t believe everything I have ever believed, it is just that I want to know why I believe them.
It is both cleansing and scary. But in a good way!
I want to go ahead and say that if you are living with any of beliefs that are different from mine…don’t think I am saying you are wrong. There are just things I don’t feel are right for me…doesn’t mean that I think you are wrong and I am right…I just have to get to a point of where I am just doing what is right for me. I respect you and your life choices and ask that you would do the same for me or anyone that you feel sees things differently than you. I am using this blog as an outlet and I want to just be me and stop pretending that I am something I am not. I hope that as I look for the courage to be more open about me that you too will be able to be the honest you that you are.
There are moments as we get older thatbecome the very things that define who we are. We can take a quote and make it out lifes motto. We can chose a life’s verse that will be the strenght that holds us together. We may get hurt and be left with scars that show whenever we are in similer situation. We as humans take many a life experience and use that to shape our thoughts. No matter what your thoughts are on any given topic, belief, stand or “foundation” they are what is right for you. I am not your judge…because goodness knows I have a million and one thing you can judge me for. But we must be willing to ask questions and see why we beleive this or that. The days of me blindly going with the flow are over…this girl doesn’t fit in a box. And I am now seeing the courage that it takes to be the person you are. You wouldn’t think to just be yourself that you would need an extra dash or strength, but that is just what you need. You have to have a core belief system that no matter what comes it is what makes you you! Ask the questions that will make you strong in your faith and beleifs.
As I am taking a journey to get closer to God and focus on my relationship with Him I am seeing that there are some things that work for me and help me, that may not be the same for someone else. Does that mean either of us is wrong? I don’t think it does, I think it is just that we are each individuals. If God wanted us to all be the same and be robots He would have made us without an imagination or independent thought. If we didn’t have independent thought and imaginations what would our world look like? It would be boring and sad. I have never been the kind or Christian that has fit in the “Christian” box…and I have often felt guilt for that. I worry of what others thought about me…why couldn’t I just “fit in” to the Christian box. But where in the bible does it say that I need to feel guilt over what I believe and that I should feel bad when I am different than someone else. Just because I am different and seek God in a different way doesn’t mean I am wrong, misguided, going off the deep end, losing my way, etc…it just means I am unique in Christ.
We all have our thoughts and opinions on everything! Example: I am sure that even if we got every member of only one church and put them in a room and ask them all the same question about say something like…baptism, the holy spirit or are there literal mansions in heaven…we would be probably stunned by what they thought about it…they would all have their own thoughts, views and opinions as answers. I could be totally wrong but I think that is what it means when Paul says in Philippines 2:12, Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
In the verse right before that he is talking about how that Jesus became a man, died for us and that because of that “every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord” (vs11). I think he gave us that foundation and the ABSOLUTE TRUTH of our faith, but we need to use our imagination, mind, gifts, drive, unique talents, etc. to be able to be a unique Christian in this world and do what we need to to get closer to Christ, grow in Christ and be more for Christ.
The way one church is may be just what John Smith loves and needs to grow in his relationship with Jesus, but it may not be what Sarah Jane needs to help her grow in her relationship with Jesus. Now just because they need different thing doesn’t mean that either one of them is wrong. God created us all different and we all need different things…but as long as we have a solid belief and faith in the Lord all the other “stuff”…is it really that important?
I will tell you that this came from a place where I thought that only my way was right…because I thought there was only one way to serve and worship the Creator…turns out that we are all different and I think that make Him happy when we use our difference to bring Him glory. I think as Christians sometimes we look down on the difference that we all have, but I think those very differences we try to discourage and “contain” are the very thing that brings a smile to God’s face. What about that?
These are just my thoughts and rambling for the day…I am on a journey for spiritual health and happiness! I just ask that you be kind…because the Lord above knows there have been to many time that I was pigheaded and judgemental! But I see that that is not at all what God wants from us. When someone thinks different than you, that doesn’t mean they are wrong and you are right, I believe that just means we are all different…you know…they way go created us!
(Now I will just put a little footnote here! I am not saying everything is okay and that whatever you think is right…some things are destructive and wrong on a level that I am not even touching on. This is not a post saying that “everything is good for you and that no matter what you do you are right”…there are limits and lines to everything…just realize I am not being “that” deep! This is just a post about where I am right now and how the Lord is working with me.)